pendulum
it has not been a good couple of weeks.
that's not completely true. I've had some really good days. some days where I forgot that everything is off. I love those days. but they also make everything else feel...much shittier.
I've been averaging about three meltdowns a week, which means I drive the thirty minutes to my parents' house about twice a week because I don't feel comfortable crying anywhere else. I've quit one job because I found out that one of my residents who talked with me from the very first day I worked passed the day before school started. I watched her go from healthy to destroyed by Alzheimer's to gone. Another one was so close to passing that I was sure I wouldn't get to see them again, and I couldn't handle another loss so soon. I've dropped a class and reduced my hours at my other job to the point where I feel like I'm barely working.
and yet I still feel stretched too thin.
this week was both good and bad. it goes back and forth between the two, and for a person who craves consistency, that's hell. I know it's good for me to get used to the chaos, but for my anxious heart, this constant pounding isn't good at all. last night, I had an anxiety attack for the first time in about six months, and when my sister laid down with me to be a human weighted blanket, she was startled by how fast my heart was racing. I was startled too, because I knew something was wrong but didn't even realize how serious the attack was. and that's not normal for me at all.
the ironic thing is that quitting my job and making all these changes so that I'm less overwhelmed means I have free time now. it's funny, because I'm the first person to tell people to slow down, to take a little time for themselves, but now that I'm forcing myself to do the same for my health and sanity...I don't know what to do with it. a lot of my relationships and friendships are in flux right now, which is part of being an adult. but as a very social introvert who LIKES to be busy, sitting alone in an empty house with nothing to do isn't the best thing for my head. so I'm having to keep myself busy without pushing too hard. I'm realizing that that's a happy medium that's hard to find.
I know it's going to get better. it has to, because we're barely a fourth of the way through the semester, and data collection and my evening classes have yet to start. a year from now (hopefully), I'll be in grad school with much bigger things to worry about. it will all work out in the end.
but right now, I'm feeling a lot of everything all at once. just a little overwhelmed, just a little lonely, and just a little lost.
and that's okay.
- el
that's not completely true. I've had some really good days. some days where I forgot that everything is off. I love those days. but they also make everything else feel...much shittier.
I've been averaging about three meltdowns a week, which means I drive the thirty minutes to my parents' house about twice a week because I don't feel comfortable crying anywhere else. I've quit one job because I found out that one of my residents who talked with me from the very first day I worked passed the day before school started. I watched her go from healthy to destroyed by Alzheimer's to gone. Another one was so close to passing that I was sure I wouldn't get to see them again, and I couldn't handle another loss so soon. I've dropped a class and reduced my hours at my other job to the point where I feel like I'm barely working.
and yet I still feel stretched too thin.
this week was both good and bad. it goes back and forth between the two, and for a person who craves consistency, that's hell. I know it's good for me to get used to the chaos, but for my anxious heart, this constant pounding isn't good at all. last night, I had an anxiety attack for the first time in about six months, and when my sister laid down with me to be a human weighted blanket, she was startled by how fast my heart was racing. I was startled too, because I knew something was wrong but didn't even realize how serious the attack was. and that's not normal for me at all.
the ironic thing is that quitting my job and making all these changes so that I'm less overwhelmed means I have free time now. it's funny, because I'm the first person to tell people to slow down, to take a little time for themselves, but now that I'm forcing myself to do the same for my health and sanity...I don't know what to do with it. a lot of my relationships and friendships are in flux right now, which is part of being an adult. but as a very social introvert who LIKES to be busy, sitting alone in an empty house with nothing to do isn't the best thing for my head. so I'm having to keep myself busy without pushing too hard. I'm realizing that that's a happy medium that's hard to find.
I know it's going to get better. it has to, because we're barely a fourth of the way through the semester, and data collection and my evening classes have yet to start. a year from now (hopefully), I'll be in grad school with much bigger things to worry about. it will all work out in the end.
but right now, I'm feeling a lot of everything all at once. just a little overwhelmed, just a little lonely, and just a little lost.
and that's okay.
- el
That last line shows a lot of strength, Elizabeth. Handling all of that at once can be difficult-- is difficult. At the same time, there's power in acknowledging that it's alright to feel what you're feeling. And you're not alone in feeling it at all- I started my new job in PA, and have that same "empty house" that you describe. To combat that, I usually throw myself into my work, but this results in burnout sometimes. I don't know if the term "restlessness" is equivalent to your overall feeling, but if it is, I can relate to it. And, you're right. Things will get better. Moments-- and phases made up of moments-- pass. Thanks for sharing. Reading this, and being able to relate to it, improved my day today.
ReplyDeleteKeep on keeping on. And safe travels, landstrider. :).
Joey