processing

2020 looked a lot different a year ago. you looked a lot different a year ago.

you were getting ready to rush into the final stretch, sure that it wouldn't be that hard. it's understandable, considering you've been through worse, but you forgot that life doesn't always go according to plan. in fact, it hardly ever does. 

you were excited for someone you loved to come home and you could continue where you left off. you were coming off the high of traveling on your own, ready to travel more, and you had just reconnected with someone who you thought you'd lost forever. you'd spent all summer going and doing with your friends, and you were ready for that to continue. 

none of that happened like you expected it.

a year later, your relationship with one of your best friends is wobbly--it might recover from what happened, it might not. you want to keep trying, but you're not sure if they do. you finally realized how toxic one friendship was, and walking away is impossibly hard. it's not being petty if they treated you like shit. miraculously, you're still friends with the one you never thought would stick around, but even then it didn't turn out the way you thought you wanted it. you traveled--thousands of miles away from home. 

you thought you felt lonely last year? boy do i have some news for you. 

you still desperately want a soulmate. not even a soulmate--a companion. someone who understands that love looks a lot different to you, but also understands that you are their person and they are yours wholly. you're not sure if that's ever going to happen. you thought it would, a lot of times, but every time it dissolves into nothing. 

last year, you were still sad because he left you alone to deal with the worst years of your life. now, you're learning that he doesn't deserve your anger or your mental energy, and that the baggage you're left with because of what he did is a part of you, but it doesn't have to control you. you need to stop being angry that people still talk about him with adoration. they don't know his flaws like you did. that's not theirs to know.

you need to stop being so terrified of people leaving you that you sabotage all relationships just to protect yourself.

last year was hell. you never thought it would be. but that's how life is, right? you can't plan it. nothing works out the way you expect it to, and that's ok. otherwise you probably would never learn anything new or bother to step outside your comfort zone. it's okay to be vulnerable and scared and angry, and you'll go through all this again and again and again. that's the way it's supposed to be.

life is a process, not a plan. stop trying to anticipate where you think it'll lead you.